I received comments from very special people in response to this post I wrote last month about "Heaven and Hell". I would like to offer some of my thoughts in response to what they said. 

     My intention in the post was not to overemphasize the ‘gospel of heaven’, at the exclusion of Christian faith as a whole. I realize I did, and can see how it could be read that way. I should have been clearer. I was attempting to criticize the Christian mentality of exclusive, “who’s in, who’s out” to emphasize what I believe matters more-living this life the fullest we can (whatever that entails…) instead of defining one way or another what is assured after death, because I don’t see how we can know beyond reasonable doubt what actually happens and who goes where.

“From Genesis 3, our biggest problem is not that we are going to hell, but that our relationship with God has been fractured by our sin (which will result in eternal death - hell).”

Deducing from this statement, it seems Hell is a big problem. If fractured relationship with God=Hell and everyone fractured the relationship, then everyone has a huge problem if they don’t figure out how to mend the relationship. The Christian assumption of how we mend the relationship is troubling to me, because it seems, then, that people have to be born in the right place at the right time and believe the "right things" to understand Christ as Savior. I am not saying that Christians do not achieve salvation by putting trust in God for forgiveness, but that the Christians’ exclusion of others achieving that salvation damns an awful lot of people very specifically just because they don’t believe a, b, c, and d.

I don’t think we can really know one way or the other who “goes to Hell” and who “achieves salvation”.  I know this sounds very anti-Christian of me, but my intention is not to bash Christianity (at all!).  I exclusively criticized that idea of “heaven and hell” because I hear Christians these days claim that “reaching the ‘lost’ for salvation” should be the main focus of Christian life. I have to disagree with that notion, because I believe life is so much more than accepting a conception of reality to escape eternal death and separation from God.  I believe if one cannot know without reasonable doubt one way or the other who goes where and what happens after death, then obviously that should not be the focus of life. 

I probably made you more confused with my ramblings. Forgive me!  I am still musing, reading, and contemplating, so I definitely do not claim to have everything figured out All I have is my limited reasoning abilities and 22 years behind me, so I know I have a lot to learn and not a lot to show for what I have learned. So be it.

A Duncan Sandwich.

"God is unlimited. Thought and language are limited. 
God is the fathomless but beautiful Mystery Who creates the universe and you and me, and sustains it and us every instant, and always shall. The instant we define this fathomless Mystery, It is no longer fathomless. To define is to limit. The greater a person's confidence in their definition of God, the more sure I feel that their worship of "Him" has become the worship of their own definition." -David James Duncan


Holy cow. I love David James Duncan. I hug his book. I am putting aside imminent responsibilities right now to read God Laughs and Plays. Thanks, Molly. I blame it on you. 


But really, as I read, I find myself thinking, "Hey, you are stealing my thoughts!" And I am not narcissistic to think my own thoughts are original, but it is definitely refreshing to see my own wanderings and questions put into so many words. He's such a good writer.


"Like grace, wonder defies rational analysis. Discursive thought can bring nothing to an object of wonder. Thought at best just circumambulates the object, the way a devout pilgrim circles Golgotha, the Bo Tree, Wounded Knee, the Kaabah. Wonder is not an obligatory element in the search for truth. We can seek truth without wonder’s assistance–but seek is all we can do: there will be no finding. Until wonder descends, unlocks us, turns us slack-jawed as a plastic shepherd, truth is unable to enter. Wonder may be the aura of truth, the halo of it. Or something even closer. Wonder may be the caress of truth, touching our very skin." -David James Duncan


Sigh.

Contrary to popular belief...

Today has been a good day. I...

• slept in (until 9:30am!)
• read a couple chapters of "Dead Souls" by Gogol, which is a hilarious Russian piece of satire.
• drank some french press coffee in the meantime.
• read some of Bearing Fresh Olive Leaves (have both agreements and disagreements concerning his opinions)
• Listened to good ol' Baroque music, as well as a couple sacred choral ensembles while I read, which I highly recommend.

And..that is all so far. But it's a pretty darn ideal day for me, necessary at least once a week. I am now pondering this question:

• Is something moral because God says so, or does God say so because it is moral?

I'm pretty sure popular opinion in the Christian world, at least, would give a simple, frank explanation that the first option is the true one. Of course God is the definition of "Good", so therefore anything God says is moral. BUT there is a problem with this.

If the first option is true, if "all morality rests on the spoken word or action of a divine being "God"', then what makes morality necessarily “good”? For example, what if God said it was okay to murder or rape (which, in some religious texts, he does)? This understanding of morality as under God's control makes morality subjective to God's whims, thoughts, reactions, and opinions. 

If the second option is true, if "God says so because it is moral", then morality transcends God. And to many, nothing can transcend God. 

So which is "true?"

My opinion is still forming on this issue. Kierkegaard's thought about the teleological suspension of the ethical (the idea that God is above human ethics and that humans can be permitted to do unethical things because God commands it, like the Abraham sacrificing Isaac story) makes sense on paper, but the problem I have is: How does one know if a "suspension of the ethical" was truly God-ordained? Any person who is mad and intends to do harm can claim that God destined him to perform this act of harm. If Abraham were alive today and sacrificed his son Isaac in God's name, we all would think he was a nut-case.


I do believe that morality is subjective in some ways, because something that could be immoral in one circumstance is permissible and even necessary in another circumstance. 


An example of this would be if a man was dying of starvation and came upon a grain field or an apple orchard that was cultivated by a landowner. Is it morally "right" for this man to steal from another's production to feed himself, and even steal the seeds from that fruit to cultivate for his own food? 


Aka: Is it morally acceptable for this starving man to steal from a man who has plenty in order to survive? Technically, no, this would not be acceptable. But in theory, and even in reality, we all might permit it. 


I am interested in a diversity of opinion and dialogue on this matter. But this I believe: that morality has flux, cannot be contained in a black and white picture, if you will, contrary to popular belief. Something that is immoral in one culture is perfectly moral in another culture, and that is okay with me. The Bible does not have easy answers to philosophical questions, contrary to popular belief. And that the Bible does not have all the answers, period, contrary to popular belief. The Bible is literary in nature, which is interpretive. So we must think, interpret, guide, perceive, and reckon with each other and for ourselves.

a sense of entitlement

Time Without End by Katjuncica on Polyvore.com


"You are not a victim of circumstance but a prisoner of your own decisions." -a postsecret from this week

With the exception of someone I know, who has been working hard, long hours for several years at a factory to provide for his family. And what does it get? Taxed. So he can now provide for the half of American people who decide they want to be taken care of without having to work for it like him. Does he get to decide where his money goes? No. Does he get to take home the paycheck he worked so hard for? No. He gets a "gross" income of about $134,000 but he sees about $60,000 of it. That is wrong.

I wish people (Americans) would get this. And maybe another thing we should get is

"You are not entitled to anything. You work damn hard for it." People think they are so entitled to things! That we deserve a pay raise and free health care, that five dollar coffee and that blackberry. Or any cell phone for goodness sake.

We are not a "free country" without an untimely, remarkable cost. Millions and millions of people have given their lives for us to have the autonomous "freedom" that we feel so entitled to. I am seriously getting sick of America. Right now, I am blogging because I have freedom to speak my mind and that is amazing. I am so thankful for this freedom. But there is nothing I have done to deserve this except by being born in America. I am not 'entitled' to the American Dream. You have the incredible freedom to work hard and earn health care. But don't work too hard, because God forbid if you finally make enough money to get on your feet, you will find yourself paying for Americans who aren't yet.

I am tired of working so hard and trying to actually be responsible and bending over backwards and reading ignorant bloggers and news articles and listening to people who have no idea. I just need to go to bed.

(we are now possibly "entitled" to free or reduced health care, but at what cost?)

Someone has to pay for it, even if it's not you.

hearty prayers and making plans.

Every human who ever lived is different from any other. Have you ever thought about that? Trusting my knowledge and reasoning abilities, this means that no two people have ever been the exact same. Though people have similar personalities, they may not have the same family structure or live in the same city during the same period of time in the same cultural period. Even identical twins are distinct in many ways.

I wonder if God has ever been saddened by the death of one human over another. What I mean is, I wonder if a person has so overwhelmingly entertained or blessed God by being alive that He actually regretted his or her life's end. Talk about a thumbs up from God.

One person who comes to my mind right away is Mother Teresa. She seems to have done so much good for the world that I wonder how the benefits to her being alive didn't override the disadvantages.

Think about it this way: Is your life an advantage to God? Let alone the fact that God created you for a reason, do you purposely give God a reason to keep you here?

Instead of relying on the fact that God "has a plan"; instead of praying for God's "will" for your life, why not make a plan?

God made us with the creative ability to make decisions. Let's start making them.

to make you feel my love

"When the rain is blowing in your face

And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love...

, originally uploaded by Olivia Bee.

"The storms are raging on the rollin' sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing like me yet."

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love"
-Bob Dylan
originally posted by xsheree

Sometimes I wish I was un-human enough to have this ability. I wish I could love someone this much, and I feel that I do. But you probably have seen something like me yet, and I couldn't hold you for a million years. I can hardly hold someone for 5 minutes before letting go.

I know that God loves this much because He is and can and will.

I wonder what it would take for me to love someone so much, I would hold him a million years.

questions for God (when I get to Heaven)

Will there ever be night here?

Will I ever sleep again? Can I?

Why couldn't I look like this on Earth?

How did you manage to sculpt Eve from a rib?

What kind of music do you like to listen to?

Have you created other forms of life?

If so, did they fall to sin nature? Were they capable of sin nature?

Can I breathe under water now?

Can I fly?

What was your favorite year in all history? Why?

Can I look at other books you wrote besides the Bible?

Can I have a cup of sweet tea?

resting places

Any words to describe my swelled thoughts are simple cliche, and even that thought is cliche. I cannot come to understand anything that has not already been understood, or love anything that hasn't been loved, or experience a feeling or grief or longing that hasn't been felt, grieved, or longed after. The most of what I cannot explain is why, in one decade, I have held the cold, still hand of my 14-year-old cousin Shane in his casket, or why I am on a train to Indiana where I will meet my dear 9-year-old cousin Evin.

But I know that God is merciful and most just. I don't know how to incorporate God as the Hero in this life of bitterness and sweetness, cold and hot, few and plenty. But it is there, somewhere, though I can read a mere couple pages in. I can only experience this bittersweet catastrophic life that is mine, a tiny story in the grandest epic of all time-which is, time itself.

So, I will not try to explain. I will listen to the words blasting in my ear by Hillsong, singing "You are All Glorious". I will silently hold Stevie as she cries on my shoulder asking "Why?", while inside the only answer I can think of is "Because." And on my way home I will sing "Let Us Adore Him" and nothing else. I will suck it up and move on with my meaningless studies to receive a meaningless piece of white paper. Maybe I can take this as a reminder of the only aspect of life that isn't meaningless...family, friends, acquaintances, customers, coworkers, and strangers. Nothing else matters when you stand before a casket, taking in the sight of his body and holding his hand, weeping.

Rest in Peace

Evin James Jarman

March 3, 1999-August 29, 2008

Shane Ryan Ellis

June 5, 1987-August 24, 2001

skeptical legalist

My passion in life is knowledge. I explore. I want to see, think, be, go, and do. I have heard it said that whatever one does with life in the first couple years is a reflection of one's true self, because he/she was not yet tainted by culture, opinions, or advice.

My mother tells me that before I could walk, I would sit in a chair all day (quite literally) with a picture book, pointing and shouting "THAT!" "THAT!" "THAT!" until my mom or dad would tell me what a particular item was. I wanted to know.

Now, I do not want that pursuit of knowledge in life to cloud out my pursuit of faith. I have two choices: to allow knowledge and faith to coincide, or allow my skepticism to override faith. Not that I am losing faith. I am a child of God, and will always be. Yet I cannot always think of myself as wrong. I grew up in the way of legalism, thinking everything I believed is right, no questions asked. I had a certain confidence about my faith. Now I have turned the opposite way, questioning anything and everything that enters my mind. Which way is better? There are pros and cons to each.

For the sake of my future, my God, my faith, and the people I live for, I have to figure out how to become a skeptical legalist.

dreams become real.

June 24, 2005

I had a dream just now. A dream of Cody and I-happy and restored. We hugged, we kissed (but pulled away, apologizing), and we danced. He showed me how, and we slowly danced for hours as I dreamt. What is God trying to tell me? Does He want us to go back to friends? Is it just my worn hope...to be loved and cherished by this man who adored me for so long? Is it never going to be real again? We will never be able to dance again, will we? Why did I have to have this dream, then? In the dream, I asked why he rejected me. He told me he has changed.

Well, in real life, I won't trust his "changed" self. He morphs himself so much-I don't know what to think of him anymore. He is trying, as I too, to follow God wholeheartedly. I wonder if that is why he doesn't want me-along with God's glory and pleasure, he cannot stand how frustrated he becomes with me-how much I really am not worth it. I don't sincerely believe this, but sometimes I stop and think about it. I don't make him happy like other people do. I try.

times crumble, tears fall.

April 6, 2005

God,

I love loving Cody. Even in the rough times, I love him. What am I supposed to do? The last thing I want to do is break up. I can hardly stand when he's not around. Then when he is, I end up crying. He gets frustrated when I don't even mean to make him mad at all. He used to promise he would never get mad at me. Now, it seems that is all he does.

April 11, 2005

God,

I feel horrible for cuddling with Cody this morning. No matter how much I know it will displease my true Lover, I still do it. I enjoy Cody's presence, and his warm body against mine. I love him fully and completely.

May 19, 2005

I cry just for the sake of it. I cry for passion in prayer and the ways of God...I cry for who I am and who I should be now...last night I started to bawl. My leg hurt, I was short of breath, my heart hurt. Cody didn't seem interested in hanging out with me. He always seems bored when around me. Unless he can be physically touching me, sometimes it seems he would rather play playstation with Seth or watch T.V. And guess what? He doesn't even like to walk. That's really really crappy because I need someone in my life who will walk and talk with me once in a while.

Last night when I was crying I decided to calm myself down by taking a shower, and Cody wasn't going to come up anyway, so why not? I went downstairs, trying not to be seen with my watery eyes, and as I was coming up, Cody was, too! I was mad at myself, then, for taking a shower, because I could have hung out with him instead of taking a shower. So I took a very quick one. I hope he still likes to hang out with me. I guess it doesn't matter because I cannot help if he does or does not.

the reasons of a lifetime

10 reasons life is good

(no particular order, except the first):

1. I exist because my Creator has loved, and keeps loving.
2. My parents can afford to send me to school.
3. My mind is capable of schooling.
4. Music.
5. I can sit curled up in a ball.
6. My dorm has running water and warm showers.
7. I know a man who loves me as unconditionally as humanly possible.
8. I am marrying that man in 117 days.
9. My mom listens to my problems.
10. My roommate told me I have pretty fingers.

10 reasons life sucks:

1. Life does not suck, because God is good.