April 6, 2005
God,
I love loving Cody. Even in the rough times, I love him. What am I supposed to do? The last thing I want to do is break up. I can hardly stand when he's not around. Then when he is, I end up crying. He gets frustrated when I don't even mean to make him mad at all. He used to promise he would never get mad at me. Now, it seems that is all he does.
April 11, 2005
God,
I feel horrible for cuddling with Cody this morning. No matter how much I know it will displease my true Lover, I still do it. I enjoy Cody's presence, and his warm body against mine. I love him fully and completely.
May 19, 2005
I cry just for the sake of it. I cry for passion in prayer and the ways of God...I cry for who I am and who I should be now...last night I started to bawl. My leg hurt, I was short of breath, my heart hurt. Cody didn't seem interested in hanging out with me. He always seems bored when around me. Unless he can be physically touching me, sometimes it seems he would rather play playstation with Seth or watch T.V. And guess what? He doesn't even like to walk. That's really really crappy because I need someone in my life who will walk and talk with me once in a while.
Last night when I was crying I decided to calm myself down by taking a shower, and Cody wasn't going to come up anyway, so why not? I went downstairs, trying not to be seen with my watery eyes, and as I was coming up, Cody was, too! I was mad at myself, then, for taking a shower, because I could have hung out with him instead of taking a shower. So I took a very quick one. I hope he still likes to hang out with me. I guess it doesn't matter because I cannot help if he does or does not.
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