June 24, 2005
I had a dream just now. A dream of Cody and I-happy and restored. We hugged, we kissed (but pulled away, apologizing), and we danced. He showed me how, and we slowly danced for hours as I dreamt. What is God trying to tell me? Does He want us to go back to friends? Is it just my worn hope...to be loved and cherished by this man who adored me for so long? Is it never going to be real again? We will never be able to dance again, will we? Why did I have to have this dream, then? In the dream, I asked why he rejected me. He told me he has changed.
Well, in real life, I won't trust his "changed" self. He morphs himself so much-I don't know what to think of him anymore. He is trying, as I too, to follow God wholeheartedly. I wonder if that is why he doesn't want me-along with God's glory and pleasure, he cannot stand how frustrated he becomes with me-how much I really am not worth it. I don't sincerely believe this, but sometimes I stop and think about it. I don't make him happy like other people do. I try.