the Jenga tower that is my life.

My mind has been everywhere lately: the future, the prospect of moving, Marx, not using time wisely, writing, being creative, learning new things, having the discipline to learn new things, making new friends, having the courage to talk to people, getting out of my comfort zone, graduating, studying to pass clep tests, sleeping and lack thereof, hating my job at Kohl's, quitting my job at Kohl's, turning 22, trying to meet everyone else's expectations while losing my own wants and needs.............

My plans are like a Jenga tower: First I straighten my thoughts out and begin to pull my life together, I carefully take out one piece at a time, until before I know it, I make a wrong move, I lose focus, something distracts me, I take my eyes off the tower and BAM!..I have to start from square one. I could say I am done with this, that my tower will remain stable this time, but it's simply not going to happen. And yes-I could get discouraged like I usually do, and walk away from all prospects of a new beginning and simply leave the wood pieces on the table, tumbled to pieces. But I am going to keep trying, knowing that soon it will tumble again, and knowing that I will have to try again. That's life, and all I can do is be optimistic through the pessimism, keep trying, and know, like a t-shirt I saw today read "Everything is going to be AMAZING." Even though I don't believe it.

hearty prayers and making plans.

Every human who ever lived is different from any other. Have you ever thought about that? Trusting my knowledge and reasoning abilities, this means that no two people have ever been the exact same. Though people have similar personalities, they may not have the same family structure or live in the same city during the same period of time in the same cultural period. Even identical twins are distinct in many ways.

I wonder if God has ever been saddened by the death of one human over another. What I mean is, I wonder if a person has so overwhelmingly entertained or blessed God by being alive that He actually regretted his or her life's end. Talk about a thumbs up from God.

One person who comes to my mind right away is Mother Teresa. She seems to have done so much good for the world that I wonder how the benefits to her being alive didn't override the disadvantages.

Think about it this way: Is your life an advantage to God? Let alone the fact that God created you for a reason, do you purposely give God a reason to keep you here?

Instead of relying on the fact that God "has a plan"; instead of praying for God's "will" for your life, why not make a plan?

God made us with the creative ability to make decisions. Let's start making them.

his girl.

January 17, 2006

"God,

Before I write Cody one last letter, I have to talk to you about it. What do you want me to do, God? I want to convince him that You haven't given up on "us" yet. I want him to know that someday, when Jamie and him don't work out, he can come back to me.

I'm so scared, God-so afraid of what you have planned for me in the future. It's going to be so awesome...I know. But I long for Cody. I don't think I am going to be okay. I won't for the rest of my life unless you make me okay.

I've tried, God...you know I've tried. Yes, you are reminding me that You know the plans You have for me...to prosper me and not to harm me...to give me a hope and a future. How do I trust? I am lost. I feel dead. Sometimes I wish I was, but why? Why can't I just give up on him?

I know, because I love him. I'm scared because I don't want to love again. I do, but only with him. If there is any possible way he can be my love forever...he can be my future husband someday...then please, make it happen. please, please, please, please, please!!

I don't want to live a day more without him. I don't want him to have a girl already. I'm his girl."


Okay, that was my story, simply because I am done copying from my journal. I have too many thoughts constantly streaming through my head for me to continue with this story stuff...I need to write anew. And there are too many more journal entries where these came from that all fit together. I would have to write a book to include them all. It is amazing how it all worked out. I am his girl, now. Simply wonderful.