August 24, 2001-2010

I lost my cousin nine years ago today. I remember the moment I found out-where I was, who I was with, how I walked to my room in shock, not crying, but was out of breath when I reached the top of the stairs. I wrote about what I felt, and played a song as I gazed out the window, staring and not believing. It was then I cried, alone. I didn't know how I was supposed to live the rest of my life without him. I was thirteen. He was fourteen. How could I never see him again? But I haven't, only in my dreams, and I've lived this long still, in pain, carrying on his memory and never willing myself to forget.

skeptical legalist

My passion in life is knowledge. I explore. I want to see, think, be, go, and do. I have heard it said that whatever one does with life in the first couple years is a reflection of one's true self, because he/she was not yet tainted by culture, opinions, or advice.

My mother tells me that before I could walk, I would sit in a chair all day (quite literally) with a picture book, pointing and shouting "THAT!" "THAT!" "THAT!" until my mom or dad would tell me what a particular item was. I wanted to know.

Now, I do not want that pursuit of knowledge in life to cloud out my pursuit of faith. I have two choices: to allow knowledge and faith to coincide, or allow my skepticism to override faith. Not that I am losing faith. I am a child of God, and will always be. Yet I cannot always think of myself as wrong. I grew up in the way of legalism, thinking everything I believed is right, no questions asked. I had a certain confidence about my faith. Now I have turned the opposite way, questioning anything and everything that enters my mind. Which way is better? There are pros and cons to each.

For the sake of my future, my God, my faith, and the people I live for, I have to figure out how to become a skeptical legalist.