What will you DO with that?

I know, I haven't exactly been updating a lot lately. What can I say? I have been extremely busy. Last weekend I basically shut myself in my room for three days straight working for a presentation on Monday. And even then it didn't go as well as I'd planned. (...public speaking is not my strong point...) I have written two big papers the past two weeks, and I don't even want to go into the reading I have fallen behind on. 


I can't pin down exactly what I have been thinking the past couple weeks. Cody can attest to the fact that I have been stressed. But how and why? I think it boils down to not ever feeling adequate. I feel like I am getting so much older, but what am I accomplishing? And is it even about that? I know I love living in Grand Rapids, I love being in the humanities program at Cornerstone, and I love being married to Cody. On the outside, everything is right and in its place. But inside, I am churning. The ever-present question I am asked as a college student is 


"What is your major?"


"English Literature", I respond.


"What are you going to do with it? Be a teacher?"


I am so sick of answering this question. What am I going to do...am I some kind of human machine, and simply because I have hands and a mind, I am supposed to do something? Can I just be right now? Is that enough, or do I have to be volunteering and working and filling 24 hours a day with doing, doing, doing until I don't even know that the heck I am doing anymore? 


In Greek, "skole" means "leisure". In Latin, the word is "scola". This word in English translates to "school". Or at least it used to. School used to be an optional, very valuable way to becoming a whole person. School used to be not about getting a profession, but about learning. Leisure! Imagine that. Now leisure means sitting on my butt and watching T.V. (God forbid...except for LOST and Modern Family...haha :D) 


I wish I had the answer to this question. I really do. I wish I knew where I was headed and what I am to do (and people...stop assuming just because someone is studying English, s/he is going to teach.) But I don't know, and I feel like I am the only one okay with this. 

The best part of me was you.

The best part of me was you. by sashanaomi on Polyvore.com

Finally, I am posting a polyvore I made ;) My favorite so far, I might add.
and here's a quote, since I am so emersed in study of Kierkegaard and his works right now:


"Life must be understood backwards; but...it must be lived forward." -Soren Kierkegaard

Looking for Spring by LJHomesteader~busy few comments on Polyvore.com

"A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms against himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it." -Alexander Dumas


This one hits close to home. I don't know why I do, but somehow my constant mode of existence is to doubt myself. I have become better about my confidence over the years, but the "comfort zone" reality seems to linger when I am going through a difficult time or go through an awkward situation. I ask myself: Who am I?, and "Am I worth it?" or "Am I not completely ridiculous?" 


I am constantly looking at myself through other peoples' eyes-trying to figure out my identity and world through how others see me. How is this a way to live? As Dumas says, one bears arms against himself. It's time to turn this around.

Hand in Hand down Lovers Lane by chickflickshani on Polyvore.com

• hippie: noun. (esp. in the 1960's) a person of unconventional appearance, typically having long hair and wearing beads, associated with a subculture involving a rejection of conventional values and the taking of halluncinogenic drugs.

I love looking up interesting words in the dictionary and laughing at their obscure meanings. Thank you, dictionary, for once again, making me smile. Especially the beads part.

                                             by Demented-Bunny on Polyvore.com

Why is it that I can be so strong for everyone else, then at the end of the day, I fall into my husband's arms and cry?

I have way too much to be thankful for.

Stolen.

We watch the season pull up its own stakes
And catch the last weekend of the last week
Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced,
Another sun soaked season fades away

You have stolen my heart

Invitation only, grand farewells
Crash the best one, of the best ones
Clear liquor and cloudy eyed, too early to say goodnight

You have stolen my heart

And from the ballroom floor we are in celebration
One good stretch before our hibernation
Our dreams assured and we all, will sleep well

You have stolen
You have stolen my heart

I watch you spin around in your highest heels
You are the best one, of the best ones
We all look like we feel

You have stolen my
You have stolen my heart

-Stolen, Dashboard Confessional

One of the only songs I still love and relate to even though it plays at Kohl's.

yes. yes.

One of the best weeks of my life? Check.

Kava House the best coffee shop ever? Check.

Ready to get this semester rolling? Check.

Ready for anything?

CHECK.

2010.

At first, I didn't want to say goodbye to another decade. I still cannot wrap my mind around the fact that it is 2010. This decade was the first I can remember very clearly. I can remember very distinctly what happened each year and it is very scary to me how fast the time has past. Here's my decade summed up:

2000: The year of confusion. The start of my sciatic nerve problems (ohhhh fun.)
2001: The year of grief. By far the year I wish we could have skipped...Shane passed away.
2002: The year of growth for me. I went to camp that summer and had my favorite counselor, Amber, who helped me through a lot of doubt and fear.
2003: The year of new beginnings. I became closer to Sanyelle this summer, (choosing each other as secret sisters and going to camp for two weeks together) who I call my lifelong best friend. I started high school, made a lot of good friends, and on November 1, 2003, I met a boy named Cody.
2004: The year of love. Cody and I hung out all summer and on my sixteenth birthday, he sent me flowers (and Krissy, my frog!) and held my hand for the first time. The start of a beautiful relationship. I also went to Chrysalis this year, which was unforgettable.
2005: The year of obscurity. My family and I took a trip to Florida, which was awesome, and I participated in a mission trip to Shepherd's ministries, which was always a dream of mine. I also met the chiropractor who literally saved my life from pain. Yet this year, Cody and I broke up, which broke and confused me and I had to learn how to move on.
2006: The year of independence. I spent my first summer as a CIT at Twin Lakes Camp, which was one of the best, if not the best summer of my life so far. I learned how to be independent: from Cody and from my parents. I also went to prom this year, which was so much fun, and started my senior year of high school.
2007: The year of opportunity. I graduated high school on May 26 and went to college Aug. 12. In between those two dates was the absolute worst summer of my life, a summer I dare not even think about. But a lot of new things happened: I entered college, changed my major to English Literature, made new friends, and got engaged! Wow, what a year.
2008: The year of happiness. This has to be, by far, one of the best years of this decade. I got married on May 31. Duh. And on May 30, I got a call from Kohl's that I had an interview! 13 days later, I started at Kohl's. I also started working at the Herald this year, which was stressful in some ways, but exciting in others. Horrifyingly, another cousin, Evin, passed away far too young on Aug. 29. I spent some time in Chicago with Sanyelle :).
2009: The year of learning. I have changed a lot this year. Really, ever since I came to college I have changed in a lot of ways, some good and some bad. I have changed because of a mixture of things, mainly through having to sort out my own way and worldview apart from my upbringing. I still have to sort through and figure this out, but overall it has been a great (and oh-so-fast) year overall.
2010: The year of ? A blank page, yet to be filled, except for one thing happening on August 7 :). What else? I guess those blanks are yet to be filled, but I am so excited to find out what is in store.

Life is a journey and a hope. This morning I woke up laying on my wrist and felt a pulse against my cheek. I observed my wrist and how consistently my heart pumps to give me life, even to my wrist. Why do I fail to notice how lucky I am to be alive? It is the most incredible gift, and I have yet another year before me to live.

The 90's felt like forever. Maybe it is because I was a child and didn't have a real view of time yet. The passing of a month meant one step closer to my next birthday, not rent due. The summer meant freedom to play, not more hours to work. I guess this happens to all of us though.

A good friend at work told me on January 1, 2010 that the passing of time is not reason to mourn but to celebrate a new phase in my life. And a new phase it is. A new phase I will accept.

I am ready for 2010.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Merry Christmas Eve

Stuck, stuck, stuck!!!, originally uploaded by ifixfones1.

Two favorite movies to watch the night before Christmas:
-A Christmas Story
-The Nightmare Before Christmas

Now onto wrapping some gifts for tomorrow and majorly cleaning this place...can't wait 'til tomorrow to open the gifts my family gave me to open Christmas day. Thanks, mom!

Up until 5 this morning working on my defense paper. One more final until i am done for the year. Have 3 krispy creme doughnuts sitting in front of me. Eating a turkey sandwich. Sitting when i should be studying but i cant think or move. Just. .want. .sleep.

Cody and i love getting lost just because we can. In fact, we are doing it right now.

life as it goes on.

set fire to the third bar, originally uploaded by oolem.

I love entering new phases in my life. What I love most about this is the feeling of transition-the realization that I am shifting in some way and that one chapter is coming to a close, a new page turned. A new chapter is beginning, and maybe it is because I have taken up pleasure reading again, pleasure only meaning that I choose. I don't like this phrasing though, because pleasure-reading doesn't necessarily mean it is pleasurable. There are many reasons why a book would not be pleasurable to read. The Twilight Series speaks for itself. Anna Karenina is a page-turner, but it is about humanity, the flaws thereof, and the heartaches. I just started reading Dear John, by Nicholas Sparks to prepare for the movie that comes out in Feb., but I know it will also be full of human heartache and falling flat on one's face. Fiction stories that relay blatant truth courageously (and preferably one that takes more than three months to write...cough..) are those that speak truth possibly more than a non-fiction piece. It makes me tremble. Or maybe that's just the caffeine combined with the lack of sleep.

Daughters by Pixel16 on Polyvore.com

My secret is that I can see right through people, but most of the time I decide to just keep to myself and be silent. Maybe it's that I can only trust myself most because I know myself most. Maybe it's just because it's not worth it to speak up when I see one won't listen, or if one does, it doesn't equate necessarily to them caring. The only thing I know for certain is that I would rather be alone in my head than in a crowded room full of superficiality. Especially the kind which I can see right through. It's not that difficult.

----------------
Now playing: Snow Patrol - Set the Fire to the Third Bar
(feat. Martha Wainwright)
via FoxyTunes

I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from A to where you'd B
It's only finger lengths that I see

I touch the place
Where I'd find your face
My fingers in creases
Of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've found so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

And miles from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground and I
I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm heart

After I've traveled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted close our eyelids

And dreaming pick up from
The last place we left off
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep in

And miles from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground and I
I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

And miles from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground and I
I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

I discovered this song from the movie trailer for "Dear John",
coming into theaters Feb. 5. It is my new favorite song
(lyrically fantastic) and the reason why it is a
relief Cody didn't join the military,
however honorable and good it would have been
for him. I can't wait to see the movie. It looks good.

laziness

Laziness, originally uploaded by topshampatti.

How can a society that exists on instant mashed potatoes, packaged cake mixes, frozen dinners, and instant cameras teach patience to its young?
-Paul Sweeney

We have a system that increasingly taxes work and subsidizes nonwork.
-Milton Friedman (April 16, 1912 – November 16, 2006)

Determine never to be idle...It is wonderful how much may be done if we are always doing.
-Thomas Jefferson
3rd president of US (1743 - 1826)

He that is busy is tempted by but one devil; he that is idle, by a legion.
-Thomas Fuller (1608 - 1661), Gnomologia, 1732

Resolution 5: Resolved, never to lose one moment of time; but improve it the most profitable way I possibly can.
-Jonathon Edwards

Laziness. Just something to think about today. Time is money. How will you use it? How will I manage it? It is something I constantly have to strive to do: not be lazy and keep pressing on while I still have precious time and health and nothing to complain about.

Snow, snow, snow. And oh so much of it.