February 25, 2010
What will you DO with that?
I know, I haven't exactly been updating a lot lately. What can I say? I have been extremely busy. Last weekend I basically shut myself in my room for three days straight working for a presentation on Monday. And even then it didn't go as well as I'd planned. (...public speaking is not my strong point...) I have written two big papers the past two weeks, and I don't even want to go into the reading I have fallen behind on.
I can't pin down exactly what I have been thinking the past couple weeks. Cody can attest to the fact that I have been stressed. But how and why? I think it boils down to not ever feeling adequate. I feel like I am getting so much older, but what am I accomplishing? And is it even about that? I know I love living in Grand Rapids, I love being in the humanities program at Cornerstone, and I love being married to Cody. On the outside, everything is right and in its place. But inside, I am churning. The ever-present question I am asked as a college student is
"What is your major?"
"English Literature", I respond.
"What are you going to do with it? Be a teacher?"
I am so sick of answering this question. What am I going to do...am I some kind of human machine, and simply because I have hands and a mind, I am supposed to do something? Can I just be right now? Is that enough, or do I have to be volunteering and working and filling 24 hours a day with doing, doing, doing until I don't even know that the heck I am doing anymore?
In Greek, "skole" means "leisure". In Latin, the word is "scola". This word in English translates to "school". Or at least it used to. School used to be an optional, very valuable way to becoming a whole person. School used to be not about getting a profession, but about learning. Leisure! Imagine that. Now leisure means sitting on my butt and watching T.V. (God forbid...except for LOST and Modern Family...haha :D)
I wish I had the answer to this question. I really do. I wish I knew where I was headed and what I am to do (and people...stop assuming just because someone is studying English, s/he is going to teach.) But I don't know, and I feel like I am the only one okay with this.