January 17, 2006
Before I write Cody one last letter, I have to talk to you about it. What do you want me to do, God? I want to convince him that You haven't given up on "us" yet. I want him to know that someday, when Jamie and him don't work out, he can come back to me.
I'm so scared, God-so afraid of what you have planned for me in the future. It's going to be so awesome...I know. But I long for Cody. I don't think I am going to be okay. I won't for the rest of my life unless you make me okay.
I've tried, God...you know I've tried. Yes, you are reminding me that You know the plans You have for me...to prosper me and not to harm me...to give me a hope and a future. How do I trust? I am lost. I feel dead. Sometimes I wish I was, but why? Why can't I just give up on him?
I know, because I love him. I'm scared because I don't want to love again. I do, but only with him. If there is any possible way he can be my love forever...he can be my future husband someday...then please, make it happen. please, please, please, please, please!!
I don't want to live a day more without him. I don't want him to have a girl already. I'm his girl."
Okay, that was my story, simply because I am done copying from my journal. I have too many thoughts constantly streaming through my head for me to continue with this story stuff...I need to write anew. And there are too many more journal entries where these came from that all fit together. I would have to write a book to include them all. It is amazing how it all worked out. I am his girl, now. Simply wonderful.