lost and alone.

January 8, 2006

So here I am-I was debating for a while what to do. I didn't want to stay at Community Worship and wanted to come to East Side, but now I'm not even listening to the speaker! Here I am-sitting in a cubby space-empty, meaningless room at the very back of the building of East Side Baptist Church, not listening to the speaker here or not at Community Worship, worshipping God like everyone thinks I am. I like it when no one in the entire world knows where I am, why I am here, and how I got here. I like being a complete mystery, lost and alone, but not afraid, because I know my way back home.

I briefly thought about running away. Driving, that is, as far as my gas would take me. I don't want to be here anymore. Nothing feels right. I think about Cody all the time, for some reason. I can't get my mind off that boy. I keep recollecting about my strange passion for Cody and how my life will never be the same without him. I keep trying to convince myself that life will be better, but my heart won't accept it.

For some reason I know I am going to see him again. Somehow, I'm going to face him this year, and I don't know how that's going to go over, but I want him so badly to think, "Wow, I'm missing out." I want him to believe with all his heart again that I am beautiful and no one could ever beat me to beauty.