to know and to forget.

As I get older, as the going gets tougher, as I become less of an imaginative child and more of a realistic adult, I realize I don't want to know anymore. I want to be ignorant. I want to have three imaginary friends named Hannah, Haley, and Heather again. I want to see tall grass as an opportunity, not a chore. I want to play tag by the pool table in the basement and write poems about clouds in the wood fort and go to Dari Licious after church and not know what the ice cream costs. I want friends who love me just because I am me, ones that see past my flaws.

I don't want to vote for the next President. I don't want to get a degree. I don't want to become a 'member' of a 'church' that's 'right for me'. I don't want to count the miles on my car for the next oil change. I don't want to go to meijer for laundry detergent. I don't want to wake up to a department store. I want to wake up to a book, and one that I choose to read because I want to read it.

I want to go back to the 90's. I want to be a kid again. But how do I forget?

I need to know.

I need to know he is going to be there no matter what.

For better or for worse. I need to be able to trust him...

If we have too much debt to recover.

If I get really fat.

If I give birth to a child with severe cerebral palsy.

If, someday, I have to be checked into a mental institution.

If I become a vegetable.

If I turn away from God.

If I cheat on him.

Even if I grow a beard.

I need to know that he will love me as Christ loves the church.

I need to know that he loves me without conditions.

I need to know he will fight for me.