flashbacks

With precisely 4 weeks to go, I have a lot of flashbacks. Sometimes these flashbacks arise from a familiar smell, or something I eat. Sometimes I listen to a song that takes me back. Or sometimes they come because I want them to come. In my mind, I have created a picture of our relationship from the memories we trekked through over the years.

I was in the bathroom washing my hands when I thought of the first time I told him I want to spend the rest of my life with him. We were lying on my kitchen floor together, as we used to do so we could cuddle, yet stay out of my bedroom. We were lying behind the island, in front of the kitchen sink. I told him that he was the one I wanted to spend my life with. The moment was like our first kiss: regrettable, yet precious. This is how our relationship works. It is a peaceful fight, it is a marvelous combustion, it is a work in progress.

What I told him that day I regretted because I did not know if I could follow through. I did not really know if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. It was regrettable because I wish I knew then what I do now. That he is my world, encompassed in a human being. That being without him is worse than being dead at 25, worse than majoring in math, worse than never eating another oreo.

I know now that I want to spend the rest of my life with Kristopher Cody.

And it is not that he does not deserve me. We do not deserve each other.

We like to cancel each other out that way.