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February 03, 2008

in this lovely world

It has been a long and lonely road. I have discovered over the past few months that I do not know myself. Is that possible? A person living inside her own self, having no clue who she is breathing for? She simply lives, eats, sleeps...circles parking lots with her car, contemplating the meaning of this awful, yet curiously wonderful life. I know this person I live inside buys Java Chip frappachinos at Starbucks. She prefers brown eyes over blue. She laughs at sarcasm, and loves the rain. She wishes she could take more pictures, but still never takes the time to actually do it. She is majoring in English and Family Studies at Cornerstone University. But who is she, and what purpose is she here for? Is her life going to ever have a common goal? Will it reach some climactic point, when it all makes sense?
I don't know any of these answers. I don't know if, on my death bed, I will be satisfied with what I have accomplished, or who I was. What I have discovered, though, is that finding myself in a man or trying to live up to others' expectations will not be enough. I have tried. It is painful. It is a sure way to keep me searching for myself the rest of my life. I should simply be me. That's all God asked of me when I was an ugly, screaming, naked babe right out of my mom's womb. I am made in his image. What more of a worship can I bring him but my very own self? The reason He created me is to be me! Like I said, life is so awfully wonderful.

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