easier not to remember

I have had one of those days; the days where I feel like being creative, but my mind is so eclectic and free that I cannot write. Then I just listened to the song by Hillsong United that reminded me of my train ride to Indiana in September, the reason being my beautiful 9 year old cousin passed away, and it made me solemn. I could smell the train and hear the music and feel the heartache all over again. Then, as I listened to the song and am listening right now, I remembered my Shanie, my other cousin who died at 14 years old from a car accident in 2001.

I am going to Dustin's (Shane's brother) wedding this weekend, and all I will see is Shane standing beside him. And I will know at that moment, where Shane would be if he was still here. And I will see the missing piece and have to turn my face away, look at the clock or my husband and give thanks for how God gives and takes away.

But He doesn't take the pain away, because if Shane's death wasn't painful anymore, this means I didn't love him as much. So I will remember and bear the pain of the moment, then think about how happy Dustin is now and how he is about to become a husband.

It is easier to not remember, but impossible.

shanie.

Remember always
The times that once were
Before you were gone

Remember one time
We were in your room
Stacked books in our arms

Remember that tent
The one we had built
You read the piled books

Remember those words
Words I could not read
I was young, unschooled

Remember your love
You did not care if
I could not read. You
Encouraged me on.

I remember. I
Made up stories off
The top of my head.
I never did that
Before you. Before
You were gone.


I just wrote this poem in like, 5 minutes, because I need a memory poem by tomorrow and I wanna go to bed ;o)

i wish you could have felt this way

October 17, 2004

"Shane,

My relationship with Cody is doing great. I love him more than I've ever thought or imagined a person could love someone. Yeah, it may be cheesy, but it's true. I hope so much that he knows that. He can't, though. It's too bad you couldn't experience this love I feel now. Shane...it is so amazing. He has so many qualities that just take my breath away when I think about them...his eyes are so precious. I remember your eyes, especially when you smiled. What I remember most is your funeral...touching and holding your cold hand in mine for the last time. I miss you, Shane Ryan.

Anyway, back to Cody.

He's always honest, even when you don't wanna hear it. He's so awesome, and helpful, and lovely. His dark skin is so cute on him and I feel special when I'm around him. He tells me I'm beautiful a lot. He even prays with me and leads me to God. I'm the happiest I have been in a long time. I hope and pray I marry Cody one day. This is my one and only love...the man I've completely fallen in love with."