new information about evin

The weeks leading up to Evin's death, he continually complained "Mom, a blonde boy is following me." We know this is factual because Kevin called Michelle about it as well, so Evin complained to his mom and dad on separate occasions. They talked to each other about it, and Kevin was so worried about Evin's 'hallucinations' of a blonde boy, he wanted to put Evin in counseling. Then, Evin was at Kevin's mom's house (out of town) and told her that a blonde boy was standing out beside a pole next to a building. He talked about it so much that they took him out driving and looking for a blonde boy. They never found anyone.

Days later, Evin died. It's so strange. Death angel? Shane? We don't know. I just wanted to share that story with you. I am a skeptical person, but when things like this happen, I can't help but realize that anything and everything is possible, and that God knows the time, the place, the way, and the reason of everything that happened and what will happen. I have a peace that Evin was not alone when he died, but perhaps a little blonde boy was lying beside him.

resting places

Any words to describe my swelled thoughts are simple cliche, and even that thought is cliche. I cannot come to understand anything that has not already been understood, or love anything that hasn't been loved, or experience a feeling or grief or longing that hasn't been felt, grieved, or longed after. The most of what I cannot explain is why, in one decade, I have held the cold, still hand of my 14-year-old cousin Shane in his casket, or why I am on a train to Indiana where I will meet my dear 9-year-old cousin Evin.

But I know that God is merciful and most just. I don't know how to incorporate God as the Hero in this life of bitterness and sweetness, cold and hot, few and plenty. But it is there, somewhere, though I can read a mere couple pages in. I can only experience this bittersweet catastrophic life that is mine, a tiny story in the grandest epic of all time-which is, time itself.

So, I will not try to explain. I will listen to the words blasting in my ear by Hillsong, singing "You are All Glorious". I will silently hold Stevie as she cries on my shoulder asking "Why?", while inside the only answer I can think of is "Because." And on my way home I will sing "Let Us Adore Him" and nothing else. I will suck it up and move on with my meaningless studies to receive a meaningless piece of white paper. Maybe I can take this as a reminder of the only aspect of life that isn't meaningless...family, friends, acquaintances, customers, coworkers, and strangers. Nothing else matters when you stand before a casket, taking in the sight of his body and holding his hand, weeping.

Rest in Peace

Evin James Jarman

March 3, 1999-August 29, 2008

Shane Ryan Ellis

June 5, 1987-August 24, 2001