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August 06, 2010

The world is a clock and I am a voice, squeaking, pacing around and around in a gigantic circle. All I can hear is the tick, tick, ticking of time and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I have tried. I have thought until my brain feels too heavy to hold all my thoughts. The weight and ticking of the clock is all I feel. 

  • Restlessness or feeling keyed up or on edge
  • Being easily fatigued
  • Difficulty concentrating or mind going blank
  • Irritability
  • Muscle tension
  • Sleep disturbance (difficulty falling or staying asleep, or restless unsatisfying sleep)
Anxiety disorders are real. This isn't just stress. It's not that I am socially inept. My anxiety isn't explainable by telling me it's simply thoughts I think that I'm incapable, unworthy, or not fun to be around. It's the reality my mind has found and set into place. I don't remember how I got here or how to get out. This isn't a pity party blog post I am having for myself, or a cry for help. To me, these anxious thoughts I have are 100% real. Anyone who tells me I am lovable, fun, cool, pretty-prove it to my brain. Because all it sees is the past three years of not belonging. Maybe the past 15 years of never quite belonging, except one peak of light in 2004. It's not me-I know I am pretty, and cool, and fun...blah blah. But my mind-my thoughts about myself based on experiences and interpretations of those experiences-sees something else. It's difficult to explain.

Perhaps I am trying to justify the past summer of shutting myself in, being too afraid to do anything because I might fail or be incapable, too afraid to call people because they might think I am stupid, too afraid to...live. Make the wrong move, say the wrong thing, and a friend might turn into an enemy. Don't ask me why I am socially anxious, why I think the way I do. Because I don't know. And I don't think it's justifiable. It's sickening. And I just want to feel normal again. 

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