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May 02, 2009

18 forever.

forever 18

Have you ever listened to a song you know you wouldn't like outside of the fact that it freezes a state in your mind? It leaves an aftertaste and you are forced to replay it over and over, and you don't have to close your eyes for it to take you where you used to be, to a time when things were different? Life was simpler, yet more complicated in other ways it will never be again.

I almost asked Chris to play 18 Forever, by Brand New (listen on my playlist) tonight while we were lounging at Vanilla's Cafe, because it would have taken me to that time, to that place at New Creation Ministries when I was trying to figure out who the heck I was and more importantly, who I wanted to be. I still don't think I know this; I have certainly flipped 180 degrees from who I was at 16 to who I am at 20. And I'm still trying to figure out why, and how, and which person is better. Or if there is a better.

I wish life was still as simple as trading wristbands with Chris each morning and falling asleep each night to the scent of rubbing alcohol and cologne. I wish I could relive the times we waited after school together for the delayed afternoon bus to arrive at school. Or when Sanyelle and I would get lost for five hours in conversation, circling our reality between traces of God's reasons for why we exist and how he interprets time and free will. I wish we could call each other again andmull over what sweet things he did today and how the "dtr" went. I wish I could go back to those times when I waited for Cody to come by my locker so I could give him our notebook and he could read my most recent letter. I wish his worries now were like back then; how frustrating architecture class was that day, or how tiring the run was in specialized P.E.

I think the hardest birthday I ever had was turning 19. I really wanted to stay 18 forever.

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