easier not to remember

I have had one of those days; the days where I feel like being creative, but my mind is so eclectic and free that I cannot write. Then I just listened to the song by Hillsong United that reminded me of my train ride to Indiana in September, the reason being my beautiful 9 year old cousin passed away, and it made me solemn. I could smell the train and hear the music and feel the heartache all over again. Then, as I listened to the song and am listening right now, I remembered my Shanie, my other cousin who died at 14 years old from a car accident in 2001.

I am going to Dustin's (Shane's brother) wedding this weekend, and all I will see is Shane standing beside him. And I will know at that moment, where Shane would be if he was still here. And I will see the missing piece and have to turn my face away, look at the clock or my husband and give thanks for how God gives and takes away.

But He doesn't take the pain away, because if Shane's death wasn't painful anymore, this means I didn't love him as much. So I will remember and bear the pain of the moment, then think about how happy Dustin is now and how he is about to become a husband.

It is easier to not remember, but impossible.